I can laugh at so-called sexist comments that are clearly satirical or sarcastic. Hell, I make them myself. Humour is a key element of (my) military service. It doesn’t shy away from risky topics and neither do I. I love to shock my friends with some quips they’d never expect from a feminist, and I don’t mind them either when I know it’s in good nature.
I had been in the military for 2 years when a comrade of mine, we were squad leaders at that time, made sexist remarks that affected the soldiers in his platoon. He was known for his sexism and stupid comments in general, many were brushing it off as immaturity and just plain stupidity. His father was supposedly high up the military ladder, and he felt comfortable using that and the safety of his maleness to continuously make comments at the expense of women.
I had talked to him during our time as recruits, in noncommissioned officer school and later during our respective time as squad leaders. I believe that peer-to-peer communication and confrontation are more effective than reprimands from leadership. It might not be more efficient, but I want long-term change and not short-term adaptability.
I’m aware that one might experience sexism in a male-dominated field. And I did. At length. And if it affected just me, I could handle it by myself. There was little I didn’t expect when I joined, and I don’t regret joining at all. The amount of sexism i have encountered can never outweigh the amount of allyship, friendship and growth I have experienced in the last couple of years. One bad experience, or a few, won’t diminish that. But there are lessons to be learned from this scenario.
When I reported his comments and behaviour to our leadership – people whom I trusted to handle these topics with the necessary care and seriousness – I was met with combative attitudes and blame. Not only did they not take me seriously, but they also questioned my integrity and whether I wanted to «destroy my comrade’s career». I didn’t. I wanted him to be a leader, but a good one. We were both in the process of attending officer school and a couple of days away from signing the paperwork to make it official. We were in the middle of serving as squad leaders and under the direct command of our respective platoon leaders.
When his platoon leader and the deputy company commander confronted me, I shared my thoughts. I let it be known that I didn’t appreciate their way of «handling» this, that I am not reporting it as a woman scorned but as an expert on the topic after serving as a gender focal point on an international deployment to Kosovo. I wasn’t just a «hysterical woman» or worse «female» (an adjective and not a noun), as they like to put it, which is another display of their deep-rooted sexism. I was a cooperative expert, bringing a lack of their leadership to their attention. Because as much as I had an issue with my comrade’s behaviour, he acted in the confines of his platoon leaders’ expectations and values. That’s what we’ve been taught during our service: subordinates have to act in accordance with their superiors’ expectations.
What does it take to be a good leader? That’s a question I had to answer during my leadership course examination. In my opinion it most importantly takes honesty and empathy. Honesty to self-reflect. Be critical of our own actions as much as we’re critical of others, if not more. Have empathy with the people we lead, with our peers and with our superiors. Those are the key values I tried to instil in my subordinates – not only by talking about it but by living them. Lead by example, as they like to say it.
Well, leadership had failed me. But they had also failed themselves. In the end, the only consequence for the misbehaviour of my peer was a slap on my wrist. According to them I had to be more careful about what I brought to their attention and when meddling in the career of my comrade.
The fact that my comrade would one day have to lead a platoon, maybe even a company, with women and men from different backgrounds was what had motivated me to report it in the first place. I wasn’t in the business of willy-nilly reports. I understand that sexism is a highly charged issue in every military, even though it is a broader societal problem rather than one isolated to the military.
That was another thought of mine: he’d go back to civilian life and continues with his ideologies.
I know that our leadership had the necessary training to handle situations like this. A couple of months later I went through the same extensive training. Yet they failed to do what they had been trained (and paid) to do: their job. Their job is to lead by example, protect their subordinates, and take the necessary measures to ensure an environment that doesn’t allow blatant sexism as opposed to humour. Yet they protected the person who was in dire need of leadership—and maybe a good, honest man-to-man discussion about what is acceptable and what isn’t.
I, on the other hand, was served with the taste of reality: the system that’s supposed to protect me as much as I was supposed to protect it was not capable of doing that. The leaders I had didn’t care enough about something they had been ordered to respect and push forward. While they ignored their responsibility, I felt betrayed and I had to let it go. We went to officer school and, for the following year, continued in the same pattern as before. He hasn’t changed, and he probably won’t for a while.
Our leaders had the responsibility to correct him, give him the opportunity to grow, and ensure a long-lasting impact. But by not doing their job, they gave him the confirmation that his behaviour was tolerable, which it wasn’t. I suspected that my input would fall on deaf ears with him and expected for our superiors to ensure that his ears were not kept deaf. I could wait in vain forever.
Nevertheless my comrade lost face. His subordinates ended up not respecting him and later on also talked about his childish behaviour that lacked self-reflection. His superiors shielded him from consequences but mostly prevented him from growing.
The lessons I take from this are vast. Firstly, leaders must have the necessary sense of responsibility, capability, and self-reflection to handle these kinds of situations. Secondly, try to recruit peers to help fight your battles. Had I talked to my friends whom I considered allies and responsible enough, they could’ve talked to him to try to achieve the long-term change I was hoping for. And most importantly, make sure to never fall into the same category as these leaders do. When someone comes to me with an issue, I sit them down, take the necessary time to reflect, and consult my peers to determine what is minimally required and what is absolutely necessary. I talk to people who know more about the topic than I do. And most importantly: I lead.
26. Juni 2025
